Did you get the memo everyone?
Yes, they have risen from the ashes and have found their spirit-creature, they’ve looked badness in the face – and have emerged victorious!
Yes, the mighty sun and blue, who recently saw their once prestigious program become the laughingstock of the state of Michigan (and that’s saying something, you know?) cast their buckets down, broke free the shackles of mediocrity that began with a fateful loss to an FCS opponent from Appalachia.
Indeed, since the slaying of the weakest Scarlet & Gray dragon in over a century by the Incredible Hoke, we’ve been inundated almost daily with tales of rebirth, tales of vindication. The University of Michigan, the Harvard of the west has finally regained its place high on the mountain top of college football, and it would certainly prove itself worthy of adulation from all corners of the earth when it stood toe-to-toe with the defending national champion in the biggest game of this season’s opening weekend.
After all, they re-established their brand in 2011 when they went to the Sugar Bowl and toppled traditional power Virginia Tech with their bare hands (and the help of putrid officiating). They had rediscovered their defensive prowess that made them the talk of college football for the last century. They dominated Big Ten opponents on their way to a 6-2 conference record (nevermind that they lost to the Michigan State and Iowa, the two best teams they played, and nevermind that they avoided Wisconsin and Penn State thanks to the quirks of trying to schedule two divisions). They outscored Minnesota, Northwestern, Eastern Michigan, San Diego State, Purdue and Western Michigan by a combined score of 260 to 72! Schedule the coronation!
Funny thing happened on the way to the ceremony, though. Apparently Michigan’s football team and coaches forgot a few key elements to preparing to play a good team, and it showed immediately on Saturday night in Dallas. Michigan was completely out-matched in every facet of football that it appeared they were an FCS team trying to upend a BCS Goliath. Sadly, they also forgot the sling-shot and the rocks.
Michigan’s Denard Robinson, the two-time reigning September Heisman winner, played as if the mock “spoon” that he used to “keep feeding” against Ohio State last year was drug paraphernalia rather than an eating utensil. Um, ‘Nard Dog? That jump ball garbage that works against Notre Dame’s porous secondary doesn’t work against well coached football teams. Coach Hoke and your genius offensive coordinators, Al Borges, can I offer a suggestion? Your quarterback had a 4/3 touchdown/interception ratio a year ago and completely only 55-percent of his passes, so perhaps – just perhaps – you might want to, oh, I don’t know, play to his strengths? Ten carries for 27 yards? You have to realize by now that each and every time he makes a boneheaded play in the passing game he’s going to feign injury and come limping off the field; so why not make an effort to minimize those embarrassing bouts with sand in his vagina?
I don’t mean to lay into Michigan without at least commending them for taking a shot at playing a real opponent in their out of conference schedule; it’s ballsy (stupid, but ballsy) to allow a national TV audience the opportunity to watch you be penetrated rigorously. So, kudos, Michigan, I hope your sutures hold well, because I’d hate to see Air Force expose the wounds.
The 41-14 thrashing Alabama applied to Michigan should serve as a bit of “Oh, maybe we should stop fellating ourselves long enough to focus on trying beat a good team once before we demand national respect once more.” However, we all know Michigan fans, and it stands to reason that the players who don the maxi-pad laden (it’s got wings to avoid embarrassing moments, right Michael Shaw?) are just as arrogant and clueless as to their actual “place” in college football’s current landscape.
Before some wayward UM fan comes sauntering over here and starts waxing poetic about tattoos, Terrelle Pryor or something irrelevant when it comes Michigan’s irrelevance, let me be clear that I also, right now, acknowledge that Ohio State is falling away from national relevance as well.
There is a difference however, in that the Buckeyes will not be content with that eventuality, and will change it. Are changing it. Michigan will beat up on the Nerdwestern’s of the world, and manhandle the Minnesota’s of the world; and that’s all well and good. That’s what you should expect for hiring a coach with a losing record in his career. That’s what you settle for when you let native sons like Jim Harbaugh become outcasts due to your arrogance and self-importance.
Welcome back to your future; where you’re still average and ok with it.
Just jingle your keys and hope no one notices.