Ohio State Football Week 2: Ten Things to Hate about UCF

If there’s one thing that everyone who knows me would tell you about me, it’s that I’m a lover. However, at least once a week during the football season, I’m going to be setting that part of me aside and doing what we here at the Empire like to call “embracing the hate.” So how exactly will I be doing this? I’m glad you asked. Today I’m offering the first in an 11-part series: 10 Things to Hate About _______.

Each week I’m going to be providing Buckeye Nation with a laundry list of reasons to dislike that week’s opponent. Obviously, the biggest reason to root against the Buckeyes’ opponents is because they had the audacity to step on the field in the first place. But  I’m going to be digging a little deeper  in an effort to expose these so-called institutions of higher learning for the farces that they truly are.

So without further ado, I give you Ten Things to Hate about UCF

1. George O’Leary is a Fraud and a Liar – So much time has passed since the scandal broke that not everyone is aware of UCF Head Coach George O’Leary’s history of treachery and deception. Well, let me remind you. After a successful stint at Georgia Tech, O’Leary was hired as the head coach of Notre Dame. However, he would never coach a game for the Irish after it was discovered that he lied on his resume, claiming to have earned a master’s degree from NYU-Stony Brook University (which doesn’t exist) and to have been a 3-year starter for the University of New Hampshire football team (he rarely saw the field).

It’s one thing to lie to get ahead, but it’s another thing completely to concoct such an elaborate series of lies for something as inconsequential as the Notre Dame head coaching job.

2. Mike Bianchi – One thing that you will notice in this column is that I hold a school responsible for its entire region. Is that fair? Who cares? UCF, of course, is located in Orlando, FL. Orlando’s hometown paper, the Orlando Sentinel, employs a balding shock-jock of a columnist named Mike Bianchi. For the uninitiated, Bianchi is a marginally talented columnist who has spent the last six months or so blaming Urban Meyer for everything from Will Muschamp’s inability to develop a quarterback to the European financial crisis.

I’m not going to waste too much more time on him. He’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve it. Instead, I’ll leave you with this: audio of Urban Meyer putting Bianchi in his place during yesterday’s press conference.

3. It’s a Florida Team – We’ve had some good times against Florida Teams (2002, 2010) and some bad (2006, 2006, 2011, 2011), but the Empire has no love for the schools of the Sunshine State. And no, it’s not just because we’re jealous that they get bikini season 9 months out of the year.

4. It’s a Directional School with no Direction – Maybe I’m splitting hairs here, but coming up with 10 things to say about a school like UCF is hard. North, South, East, West: There are four options if you want to be a directional school. Central is not one of them.

5.  Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane Went There – James Best, the actor who portrayed Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane on the Dukes of Hazard went to UCF. He was a total dick on that show. The Dukes were just good ol’ boys, that never meant no harm. However, thanks to Coltrane and his fascist regime, they were in trouble with the law since the day they were born.

6. The Blair Witch Project – The late-90’s horror sensation was created by a group of UCF students. I had somewhere between five and seven seizures the first time that I watched that movie. Thanks for nothing, jerks.

7. It had an Identity Crisis – Here’s an excerpt from UCF’s Wikipedia page:

The University of Central Florida was authorized by the Florida State Legislature in 1963, and opened in 1968 as Florida Technological University, with the goal of providing highly-trained personnel to support the Kennedy Space Center, located only 35 miles (56 km) to the east. As the university’s academic scope had expanded to encompass other disciplines, along with concerns over potential confusion with the Florida Institute of Technology, also known as “Florida Tech”, the school was renamed the University of Central Florida in 1978.

A real university would’ve forced FIT to change its name, or simply added a “The” before “Florida Technological University.” How much better does it sound to say “I go to Florida Tech” than “ I go to Central Florida.” Big missed opportunity there, guys.

8. It Beat Up one of our Baby Brothers —  The first week of the season saw UCF matched up against the University of Akron. The Knights bludgeoned the Zips 56-14. It’s just not right. Only we get to lay 40-point beatdowns on Ohio schools. They must suffer for this transgression

9. Similar Punishment for a More Severe Crime – Read this. Realize that their punishment was about the same as ours. Shake your fist.

10. Its Mascot is Probably a Lannister – A knight in golden armor? Where have I seen one of those before? If you’ve read the books or watched HBO’s Game of Thrones, you know that golden armor is the calling card of the biggest a-holes in Westeros, the Lannisters. The North (and the Midwest) remembers, UCF.