Starting at a young age we Buckeye fans are taught to hate Michigan. We are also taught never to say “fuck”. Well only one of those lessons stuck because we FUCKING HATE MICHIGAN. Welcome to your one stop shop for hating Michigan. If you aren’t quick witted like us and struggle with the comebacks we have you covered. Of course no guide to hating Michigan would be complete without input from Buckeye Nation. So, enter your best Michigan joke in the comments section, the more inappropriate the better. Consider this post to have the one rule you wished strip clubs had: Anything Goes! On Monday morning Buckeye Empire will meet and crown a champion. Winner gets a free Buckeye Empire shirt of their choice and bragging rights for life. If you are easily offended stop here and stick to saying “Muck Fichigan” because things are about to get inappropriate. Some of these have been passed down through the years and some of these are @personally_foul originals.
Q&A Michigan Jokes
Q: What does the Michigan Football Team and a Michigan Cheerleader have most in common?
Q: What’s more disgusting then 2 girls 1 cup?
A: 11 Maize and Blue players on a football field.
Q: What do you get with a house full of Michigan fans?
A: An Arson charge.
Q: What do you call a 250 pound Michigan Cheerleader?
Q: What the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: about 50 pounds.
Q: How do you kill a Michigan fan?
A: Give him a pair of scissors and ask him “Who’s special?”
Q: What does a Michigan fan do after the Wolverines win the BCS National Championship?
A: He turns off his Xbox
Q: Why do Michigan women wear high heels?
A: To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
A: They both get smoked in bowls.
Q: Why do Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Q: What do Michigan fans and cats have in common?
A: They’ll both get killed in Xenia, OH
Q: Why did Michigan change their field from grass to turf?
A: To keep the UM cheerleaders from grazing on the field.
Q: What do you get when you get 32 Michigan fans together?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: What do Michigan graduates and tornadoes have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: Where do you go in Ann Arbor in case of a tornado?
A: The Big House, they never have a touchdown there.
Q: How do you keep a Michigan fan out of your yard?
A: Put up a goal post and paint roses on the grass beneath it.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Michigan weddings?
A: To keep flies off the bride.
Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None it’s a sophomore course.
Q: What does the average Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: A visitor
Q: Why do Michigan fans prefer rectal thermometers?
A: They like the taste via @jnugular
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the “Opossums”?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog and a Wolverine?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into her dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: What is a Michigan girls best form of birth control?
A: Turning the lights on.
A: Not enough.
Q: What do you call a Michigan girl who is faster than her brothers?
A: a virgin.
Q: What’s the difference between a Michigan cheerleaders and a police car?
A: You can only get four guys in a police car via @suckatsports
Q: What’s the difference between a dead Michigan fan and a corvette?
A: I don’t have a corvette in my garage.
Q: How do you get a Michigan fan pregnant?
A: Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Michigan babies are so ugly even their incubators are tinted.
We don’t support abortion, unless it’s in Michigan.
If a couple in Ann Arbor get divorced are they still brother and sister?
Michigan’s defense has more gaping holes than Kim Kardashian.
Denard should take his mom’s advice and go into acting.
Justin Bieber recently was seen puking on stage at one of his concerts. Rumor has it he just finished watching Denard’s last game.
When Michigan fans take Viagra they get taller.
Michigan Football. Being stupid mouth breathers since 1879.
We ran into our 1st Michigan fan this week…with our car.
UM fans love OSU Michigan week. All year long they deal with ED, but at least this week they can get a fear boner.
Every one of the Michigan cheerleaders would be at the bottom of the pyramid at any other school.
You can’t spell cum dumpster without UM.
Denard Robinson couldn’t hit an ugly chick with a football if he was standing in the middle of Ann Arbor.
In honor of hating all Wolverines this week fuck Hugh Jackman via @OsuUrbanMeyer
I had a Michigan fan over to my house today, he was delivering my pizza.
It’s obvious that Michigan is the Stanford of the Midwest with alumni like Ted Kaczynski and Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
Obviously Michigan fans know football I mean these are the people who cheered when Tom Brady got benched for Drew Henson.
Brady Hoke Jokes
Q: What is it that Brady Hoke has between his titties that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: His belly button
Q: Why will there be only two pall bearers at Brady Hoke’s funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Brady Hoke is so fat he gave the hospital stretch marks.
Brady Hoke is so fat when he showers his feet don’t get wet.
The only thing worse than being Brady Hoke is being stuck behind him in line at Taco Bell.
It was reported that Michigan head football coach Brady Hoke will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Hoked (adj): to eat so much one goes cross eyed and sweats butter. “I couldn’t eat another bite, I’m Hoked”.
We almost same Brady Hoke on 60 minutes. We say almost because he couldn’t fit on the whole screen.
Brady Hoke got arrested at the Columbus airport for 10 pounds of crack.
We hate Brady Hoke more than he hates to diet.
Things that make us HATE Michigan even more:
Kate Upton: we hate ourselves every time we jerk off to her.
Denard’s retarded feed me. (we know he stole that from watching Brady Hoke at an all you can eat KFC)
The fact that as soon as you cross the state line into Michigan it smells like cat piss and shit.
All their women are fat as fuck.
Things that make us LIKE Michigan even more:
Ahhh we feel better. Go Bucks! Fuck Michigan!
Leave your jokes in the comments section below.
Jason and Aaron