We’ll Miss You Bret Bielema, Seriously.

On December 5, 2012 by Buckeye Humor

As many of you have heard by now Bret Bielema, former head coach of the Wisconsin Badgers, will be announced as the new head coach at Arkansas today.  It has been reported that Bielema will sign a five year contract worth $3.2 million dollars annually.  This move came out of left field as we don’t recall anyone even speculating this, although we assume someone like Sports By Brooks will take credit for it somehow.  This move is particularly bothersome to us for two reasons.

The first reason is this move hurts the Big Ten.  Frankly, we feel no allegiance to any Big Ten schools, especially since they snubbed the Ohio State players and Urban Meyer with the conference awards.  We are obviously coming at this in a selfish manner, in that this could hurt Ohio State’s strength of schedule in years to come.  Believe it or not but adding Maryland and Rutgers isn’t going to strengthen anyone’s opinion of the Big Ten as a football conference.  Our current members aren’t helping us out either.  Nebraska has a defense with holes you could drive a semi truck through.  Penn State has NCAA sanctions for years to come and if Bill O’Brien can keep them somewhat competitive for one more year he’ll be off to the NFL and they’ll be forced to hire some middle school coach.  Michigan may have fooled it’s fanbase into believing that it’s back but the rest of know that Brady Hoke’s first season was an aberration and that 8-4 seasons will be the norm.  Michigan State’s idea of an inventive offense is running a sweep.  Pat Fitzgerald has done an outstanding job at Northwestern but they’ll never contend for a National Championship and rarely even a Big Ten title.  We don’t think we need to mention Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Minnesota, or Purdue.  They are all just embarrassments.


That brings us to Wisconsin.  Bret Bielema has actually done a good job at Wisconsin since he was hired.  He amassed a 68-24 record in seven seasons.  He led the Badgers to three top-10 finishes and now Wisconsin is playing in their third straight Rose Bowl.  Forget the fact that they’re only 8-5 this year or the fact that they lost the past two years, that’s still pretty impressive.  Take a minute to think about it.  This is WISCONSIN.  Have you ever been there?  We went just a few weeks ago.  It’s alright, we had fun, people were nice, but there are also a lot of red heads and it’s freezing.  If we were high school recruits there is no way we would go there if we had other halfway decent offers.  It’s not like Wisconsin is some recruiting hot bed.  Bielema has done a good job finding three and four star recruits that match his system and developing them.  Our point is that Wisconsin isn’t exempt from becoming one of those crap Big Ten schools we mentioned above.  Bielema kept it from becoming one of those programs.


This shows the state of the Big Ten.  Bret Bielema was the second most accomplished coach in the Big Ten behind Urban Meyer.  Let that sink in, and if you say anything about Kirk Ferentz we are going to come out of your computer screen and smack the living shit out of you.  The second most accomplished coach in the conference left to take a job in a conference where he won’t even be mentioned in the same breath as the other top coaches.  He left probably the third or fourth best program in the Big Ten to take a job at probably the eighth or ninth best program in the SEC.  This tells us two things.  First, book your hotel in Indy and get your championship game tickets every year for the next ten years.  There was probably a 95% chance of this happening anyway but this just made it 100%.  Second, we better go undefeated every year or continue to really boost our nonconference schedule because our strength of schedule is going to suck.  Our division is basically going to be like the MAC, but maybe worse.  The new committee is going to expect an undefeated Buckeye team each year.  Just think about this year.  If we had one loss no way we are one of the four teams playing for the National Title.


The second reason is because this hurts us as bloggers.  We are considered the clowns of the Empire and clowns need material.  Don’t tell us Barry Alvarez is going to hire someone better because overweight, stupid, cry babies don’t grow on trees.  Branches aren’t meant to hold that much weight.  So in honor of Bret leaving the Big Ten here are some of our favorite one liners about him and a link to the fake interview we did with him a few weeks back.

We know what Bret was thinking: “With 3.2 million dollars every restaurant can be a buffet”.

This really should be a smooth transition for Bielema.  Arkansas football’s cheer “calling the hogs” is what they call asking out a girl in Wisconsin”.

New for Christmas: Bielema Binkies!  For that cry baby adult we all love to hate.










Bielema’s favorite beverage is wine.  He likes it on all occasions, especially during recruiting season.










Seriously Bert, I mean Bret.  All joking aside we actually think you are a good coach and a cool guy.  I mean we called you Bert to your face in that Best Western in Madison and you didn’t kill us, so thanks for that.  Good luck at Arkansas and take care of that good looking wife of yours.  The Big Ten Conference and the Big Ten Bloggers are really sad to see you go.


Jason and Aaron