Four Weddings and Your Funeral

On May 14, 2013 by Buckeye Humor


It’s that time of the season when you open up your mail box and staring back at you is some stupid “Save the Date” for a wedding that lands right in the middle of Buckeye football season.  You get the card of some loving couple with their arms around each other in front of The Shoe and then they plan their wedding on a GameDay?  We want to see someone send the Save The Date with a picture of them screaming at each other at the Park Street Patio because she thought he was flirting with the bartender because that’s how we remember you. Chances are this wedding is someone who you hardly know, but feel you are obligated to attend because you are “related to them” or you got drunk with them a few times in college.  This happens every fucking year, some psycho bridezilla wants to have a fall wedding and the groom is too much of a panzy to put his foot down.  Don’t get us wrong we like weddings.  It’s a great excuse to get together with people we haven’t seen in years and get blackout drunk while dancing to music we hate sober.  Oh, and the whole seeing two people’s committment to true love thing.  We have come up with several lists to deter you from ever planning a wedding during Buckeye Football Season.

Excuses You Might Come Up With to Have Your Wedding During Football Season and Why They Are Stupid

1.  “It’s an away game against a historically bad team, no one will mind.”  Wrong!!!  Don’t think that it’s ok because you put it on the day of an Indiana away game.  We don’t give a shit.  Every game is important and should be considered a National Fucking Holiday.

2.  “This is our day.  They can sacrifice one day for us.”  You are forgetting that the majority of the people at the wedding are probably your acquaintances that you invited because you want more gifts.  They really have no interest in sacrificing one of the best 13 Saturdays of the year for you.  Even your loved ones don’t want to give up a Buckeye Football Saturday.  We purposely had our kids in the summer so we wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of having no one show up to their birthday party until they’re old enough to have it at the Varsity Club.

3.  “It’s alright.  We can put a 30 inch TV in the back by the bar.”  No, it’s not okay that you have that small ass TV, with no sound in the back of the reception hall.  Sure we’re watching, but we can’t really see the screen because half of your reception is crowded around it like Frat guys watching a porno together.  It’s not only embarrassing to us, but more importantly it is going to be embarrassing to you when it’s time for the father/daughter dance and he won’t come because the Buckeyes are going for it on 4th and 1.

4.  “Well, none of the girls will care that the game is on.”  Whoa!  Stop right there.  We know plenty of girls who are as crazy as we are about the Buckeyes and they aren’t going to be happy that they are taking wedding photos when Braxton Miller and that tank butt is scoring touchdowns from all over the field. If by chance they don’t like sports they will be upset with us for not “spending time with them.”  We are too busy checking on the game, watching it on our Iphone, or drinking too much because we heard the Buckeyes just went down by 4 with 30 seconds to go.  That’s just setting us up for failure and is ultimately going to end up with us taking that set of glassware you wanted off the gift table and breaking in the street with your alcoholic uncle nobody likes.  Happy wife, happy life.  Words to live by.  Marry a Buckeye fan.  More words to live by.

5.  “Sports are stupid.”  SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Saying sports are stupid just goes to show how dumb you really are.  Don’t act like you didn’t pretend to love all the sports your fiancée loves just to land a man.

Now that we’ve completely wiped out some of the excuses that you were going to use let us tell you why it is beneficial to you NOT to have your wedding during football season.

1.  People will actually show up.  This is obviously very important because you wants gifts and you want money.  You aren’t going to get those things when Aunt Nicole and Uncle John aren’t at your wedding and are running up a $400.00 bar tab at the VC.  Have the wedding in the spring or summer, that’s your money.

2.  You will still have friends.  Team one friend is a lonely fucking place where no one except sex offender’s want to be.  Do your friends a solid and at the very least check Ohio State’s schedule.   Do they have a bye week?  No?  See #1.  Yes? Plan your wedding on that date at all costs.  You will keep all the friends you already have and gain the respect of so many more.  You have to make sure, however, that your significant other is a Buckeye fan so your anniversary can be spent in The Shoe for years to come.

3.  You will get to keep your Buckeye fan card.  This may actually be more important that #1 and #2.   

4.  Your husband can feel like he’s part of the wedding preparation.  Look, your husband doesn’t give a shit about the floral decorations for the reception tables or the font on the invitations.  There are only two things he does care about, the booze and the date of the wedding.  Letting your husband pick a date for the wedding (spring or summer) will eliminate the excuse that he forgot your anniversary and ensure that a Buckeyes game will not ruin your anniversary for years to come.

5.  Avoid embarrassing reception moments.  There is a good chance that you will have some of these moments anyways.  Like smashing cake in each other’s faces even though you told each other you wouldn’t.  Or that creepy uncle who is dancing inappropriately with your  twenty-something bridesmaids.  So why pile on the embarrassment by having thirty drunk fucks chest bumping and taking their shirts off to do the worm after the Bucks score the game winning touchdown.

6.  You can be the “cool wife”.  By having your wedding in the spring or summer his friends will always think fondly of you.  You will be the cool wife they all wish they had.

These are all words to live by written by two guys who have lived these situations.  Learn from our former friends mistakes and don’t be that couple.  Remember boys and girls, marry a Buckeye.