It’s been a while; months in fact, since I’ve written for you, the readers of Buckeye Empire. I wish I had a good excuse for the sabbatical, but the truth is, the weather was warm and the news was slow. It’s for the best, though. During my time off I spent some time thinking about what sort of feature that I wanted to write this season. Last season’s “10 Things I Hate” feature was a blast to write, and most people seemed to enjoy it (well, most people that don’t live in Lincoln, NE, that is). However, as much fun as it was, I knew that I didn’t want to bring it back this year. Let’s be honest, finding 10 new things to say about the University of Illinois is asking a lot.
Instead, I decided to do something a little more useful. It is a well known fact around these parts that the city of Columbus, The Ohio State University, and its football team are superior in almost every way to every other city, college, and team. Unfortunately, the further that you venture from the center of the Buckeye state, the more disputed that this logically irrefutable fact becomes. So, with this in mind and as a public service to every single reader who comes to our site, each week I will be writing a piece entitled “Why ________ Doesn’t Stand a Chance against Ohio State.
In this article I will systematically lay out all of the factors that make a Buckeye victory a foregone conclusion. Factors will include observations about the opposing University, its host city, and its football team along with math, science and my own keen observations as to what is or is not awesome. By the end of each article even the most skeptical fans will have no choice but to submit to the overwhelming weight of my arguments. Now that you know what’s to expect, let’s not waste any more time. I present to you “Why the University of Buffalo Doesn’t Stand a Chance against Ohio State.”
The problem with Buffalo as a city…
There are hundreds of tidbits I could choose from to illustrate why, as a city, Buffalo is vastly inferior to Columbus. I could mention its continued contraction while Columbus gets bigger every year. I could mention the lake-effect snow that makes the city entirely useless from October through early June. But first, let’s start with something a little more basic: the name Buffalo. While Columbus is named for a great explorer who kind-of, sort-of discovered America, Buffalo is named after well, a big, hairy animal (which also is a phrase that describes much of its population). What’s more is the fact that there is no record of Bison ever living in Buffalo. If the animal ever did exist in Central New York, it was gone long before the town was settled.
What’s that you say? Who cares about the city’s name? Buffalo’s claim to fame is its signature dish: the Buffalo Wing. How can you bash a city that gave us the Wing? Well, let’s start with the indisputable fact that the wing is one of the worst parts of the chicken. They’re small and at least 40 percent bone, yet somehow each one still manages to pack in triple-digit calories. Then there’s the fact that you have to gnaw at them like a child while covering your hands and mouth with neon orange sauce. Give me a spicy chicken breast any day of the week.
So let us recap…we have a snow-covered tundra of a city with a nonsensical name and a horribly overrated signature cuisine going up against the cultural hub of the Midwest. We’re 1/3rd of the way through and it’s already not a fair fight.
But enough about the city…
Let’s talk about the University of Buffalo itself. Scratch that, I mean, University at Buffalo, The State University of New York, or SUNY Buffalo, or whatever it is that they’re calling themselves today. It’s not that it’s a bad school. I mean it is, after all, a member of the Association of American Universities. It’s just that it can’t quite measure up to Ohio State. It enrolls 28,601 students, but Ohio State is home to 58,867 undergrads—more than double Buffalo. Buffalo is also a renowned research university, clocking in at 56th on the Center for Measuring University Performance’s annual review. Ohio State, yeah, they’re 20th. Ohio State has accomplished all of this despite being more than 30 years younger than UB, which was founded in 1840.
Ohio State is bigger, younger, and smarter than Buffalo. I’m just not sure how the Bulls can pull off the upset.
And then there’s the team…
While we’re all well aware of Ohio State’s illustrious football history, not everyone is familiar with the Buffalo Bulls’ tradition. It’s a tradition that involves is so deep and rich that in 1970 THE UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT BODY VOTED TO STOP FUNDING THE TEAM. It would be seven years until it returned. It would be another 21 before it worked its way up to Division 1-A.
Since the program’s return to D1, the high point has been the Turner Gill era. In 2008 Under Gill, the Bulls went 8-6 and won a MAC championship (losing to Connecticut in the International Bowl). Gill would leave the program a year later for the University of Kansas, where he would fail spectacularly, ultimately being replaced by noted Hamburgler Charlie Weis. Gill is now the head coach of the Liberty Flames.
So there you have it: Their own students voted the program out and their “Woody Hayes” lost his job to Charlie Weis. Oh, and see that photo to the right. That’s their actual jersey. Even the University of Buffalo wants to play down the fact that it’s in Buffalo.
What I’m trying to say is…
Buffalo is a snowy, horribly named city with a University that just doesn’t stack-up to that beautiful campus in Columbus and a football program that its own students didn’t even want. Call the fight now. This one’s over before it starts.