Two weeks into football season and the investigative reporters from several major outlets are coming out firing at a few college football programs. This week Sports Illustrated is in the middle of a five-part series outlining a wide variety of NCAA violations committed by Oklahoma State’s football program. Yesterday Yahoo Sports came out with an article outlining violations by former players at Alabama, Mississippi State, and Tennessee. SEC, SEC, SEC!
What does all of this mean? Probably nothing. Ever since the “Tat Five” committed the worst crime against humanity ever by selling their own things the NCAA has shown they are largely incompetent at investigating even the easiest cases. This does not mean you can’t get in trouble though if you’re not careful. The NCAA has been looking bad lately and will come out guns blazing in order to repair their public image.
This isn’t and indictment of the athletes. If some grown men are willing to pay for your autograph then go for it, just be careful you don’t get drugged and end up in the back of a rape van. You’ll be hard pressed to find an organization that’s more hypocritical than the NCAA. They say they student athletes can’t profit of their likeness but the NCAA and it’s institutions can. It would be like if Brady Hoke chastised his team for being undisciplined and then immediately went and cheated on his diet at the Golden Corral. People need to practice what they preach. If you thought we were going to bash the players you were dead wrong. Fuck the NCAA, we’re here to help. We have decided to help the various football programs/players under the NCAA umbrella by providing them with the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Beating NCAA Violations.
1. No Paper Trail: This should be obvious but people are stupid. You have to remember that some of these athletes only got slobber on their ACT’s. This is and always should be a cash business. No checks, no money orders, no wire transfers. Like our boy Randy Moss said, “straight cash homie”. A paper trail is a sure-fire way to get busted. Jerry Springer use to be the mayor of Cincinatti, then he wrote a hooker a check.
This also means don’t tweet about how you took money DJ Fluker and don’t email Jim Tressel about players getting money/tats for their belongings Chris Cicero. The first rule of NCAA Violation Club is you do not talk about NCAA Violation Club.
If you totally screw this rule up and shit really hits the fan, you still have one shot to get things right. Relax and play dumb. Repeat after us: “I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” It worked for sCam Newton and Dave Chappelle’s buddy so you can make it work for you too.
2. Have a Joe Dirt: Everyone needs a Joe Dirt. This is the fall guy that you can blame everything on because there is no way the NCAA can touch him.
Cam Newton had his dad and his church, The Holy Zion Center of Booster Bucks. Johnny Manziel has that “Uncle Nate” kid who is picking up the 9′s and 10′s Manziel doesn’t have a spare load for. It’s the American dream.
The most important thing to keep in mind is keeping the fall guy happy. He knows all your deepest darkest secrets and could be the whistle blower for your entire operation. So be a pal and share some of your sloppy seconds, throw some cash his way, and if you got it like Johnny Football, get your Joe Dirt floor seats to the Lakers game. In the end you both win.
3. Better Call Saul: Having a good team of lawyers is paramount whether you’re Walter White or Johnny Football. The fact you’re talking to the NCAA means that you were dumb enough to get caught in the first place, which means that you’re dumb enough to admit things to the NCAA. Lawyers are scumbags, which is exactly what you need in dealing with a scumbag of an organization in the NCAA. A good team of attorney’s is there to tell you what you should and shouldn’t say. They are also there to help you cover up any loose ends and to negotiate a settlement. A settlement is a give and take. Sure, you might miss the game against the Gordon Gee named “Little Sister’s of the Poor” so the NCAA can look good but you’ll play in the big game just in time to earn another pay-day.
4. Deny Till You Die: This is not only true when facing NCAA violations but in your personal life as well. Don’t admit anything. Deny, deny, deny. It works for all the redneck SEC fans who “swear” that girl wasn’t their cousin knowing damn well they have been scoping her out at the family reunions for years.
The bigger the star the more you have to deny because you have more to lose. If you followed rule #1, relax, the NCAA doesn’t have anything on you. No one has ever benefited from being honest and now is not the time go all Honest Abe. Stick to your story and remember it’s not what you know it’s what you can prove.
5. Don’t Be The Ohio State University: This might be the best advise of all. The Ohio State University is a lightening rod for media attention and ESPN public shaming. When you are the best people will always try to bring you down. Jealousy will make people do crazy things. Just look at the way Mark May hammers Ohio State every Saturday. It’s like he’s that elementary school kid who picked on the girl he liked because she played tether ball with Billy the booger eater. It’s okay Mark, we know you love The Ohio State University.
It’s amazing how media perception of illegal benefits and the NCAA has changed since Ohio State’s Tat Five scandal. A few years ago Terrelle Pryor and friends were viewed as “thugs” for selling their own belongings. Same can be said for guys like Dez Bryant and AJ Green.
Fast forward a few years to Johnny Football and all of a sudden it’s the NCAA who’s out of line. If prominent black athletes take illegal benefits they’re viewed as entitled, greedy thugs. But, if a rich white kid who wants for nothing takes illegal benefits then the system must really be broken??? We have nothing against Johnny Football. If we were in his situation we would be doing the same thing except add a severe cocaine problem, because that shit is fun.
The media loves to hate Ohio State. Why? Because hating Ohio State brings the page views and television viewers. Other jealous fan bases love to read the hate and Ohio State fans love to defend their team. This equals dollars for hack journalists.
It seems that as long as you are not at the Ohio State University and you follow this guide you will escape with minimal consequences. Get money fellas and take a page from all of us at the Buckeye Empire and embrace the hate.