Buckeye Humor’s Weekend College Football Preview

On October 18, 2013 by Buckeye Humor

 

 

This is an article for people who have an amazing sense of humor.  If you’re easily offended please return to Pinterest.

 

“Back up in that ass for the resurrection it’s that Buckeye Humor coming at you harder than an erection.”

Thanks to The Geto Boys for that introduction. After a long hiatus kicking it in New Hampshire with Walter White we decided to return to The Buckeye Empire. We planned on taking Walter’s fortune after he kicked the bucket but that fucker bounced while we were taking in the noon buffet at a local titty bar. Lucky for you that means we’re back to make you some scratch betting with your local bookie.

Iowa at Ohio State (-17)

Is there anything more unfair than giving Urban Meyer two weeks to prepare for Iowa? If you were wondering why Kirk Ferentz sucks so bad, it’s because he from Michigan. That’s all the information we need. Go ahead and have your weed dealer front you that ounce because you’re taking the Bucks, giving the points, and taking a guaranteed victory.

Purdue at Michigan State (-26.5)

Purdookie?  Yes, Boilermakers are gross, and their football team sucks.   However, Michigan State has Jim Bollman as their offensive coordinator. That dude still has a flip phone. He draws up plays on a chalkboard. He makes his offense practice in leather helmets. What we’re saying here is we don’t believe in Michigan State’s recent offensive success. Michigan State will win, but have little faith they will even score 27 points let alone cover the spread.  Take Purdue and the points.

Florida at Missouri (+3)

We think this year’s Missouri team is like last year’s West Virginia team and most virgins. They started off strong but blew their load way too early and ended up with everyone pointing and laughing at them.  Along those same lines Florida’s offense is about as potent as an eighty year old man.  With that we’ve made two jokes about men’s sexual performance issues  in the same paragraph.  Don’t act like you’re not impressed.   Florida’s defensive will overwhelm Missouri.  Takes the Gators on the road and give the points.

UCLA at Stanford (-6.5)

We had a tough time picking this game.  UCLA is undefeated and has some serious talent on both sides of the ball.  Stanford is coming off a shocking loss and should be motivated to redeem themselves.  Playing at home we are picking Stanford to win by a touchdown.  Who really gives a shit though.  As Buckeye fans our goal is that no major players get hurt so one of these teams can get a victory against Oregon and move the Bucks up in the polls.

Indiana at Michigan (-7.5)

There were arguments last week among some Buckeye fans that Ohio State should be rooting for Michigan to do well because beating a good Michigan team would help in the BCS.  The fact of the matter is that Michigan barely beat Akron and UConn and the Buckeyes will need the teams ahead of them to lose in order to make it to the National Championship game.  That and the fact of FUCK MICHIGAN ALWAYS AND FOREVER.  This team has some serious problems in every facet of the game.  The problems are so bad that rumors are saying that Brady Hoke will step up and wear a headset next year, when he’s working at McDonald’s.  The train goes off the track this week.  We’re calling for the outright upset.  Indiana beats Michigan at home.  If you live near Michigan do your grocery shopping tonight because Brady Hoke is going to be clearing shelves bitch.

Auburn at Texas A&M (-13)

We’re going to be honest, we love us some Johnny Football.  The guy is fun to watch, seems like a dude we want to party with, and gets mad ass.  However, A&M’s defense is terrible.  This is the only night of the year that the Auburn running backs will have more luck hitting the hole than Johnny Football.  Couple that with the fact that Johnny Football will still be hung-over for kickoff and you have a can’t lose bet.  Take the Tigers and the points. 

Arkansas at Alabama (-28)

It’s going to be weird at the end of the year when Bret Bielema is outside of Barry Alvarez’s house holding a boombox over his head asking for Barry to take him back.  Bret is quickly finding out that the grass isn’t always greener in the SEC.  The other thing he is finding out is that you NEVER fuck with Karma.  Since he went on twitter and taunted the Karma Gods his Razorbacks have lost four straight games.  Messing around with Karma is a bad idea, just like Bert taking his shirt off in public.   You just don’t do it.  Nick Saban and his Crimson Tide are going to treat Bret’s Arkansas team just like an older SEC fan would his younger cousin and have their way with them.  Take Bama and give the points because this is going to get ugly.

 

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USC at Notre Dame (-3)

The names of the programs are the same, but the product on the field is as poor as Brian Kelly’s heart health.  This game just doesn’t have the appeal that it used too.    Unlike the team that played in the National Championship game last year this year’s Irish team was exposed early.  These slap dicks got beat by a shitty Michigan team while making Devin Garner look like a Heisman candidate.  Lennay Kekua is not coming through that door fellas. That whole scene was played out to death last year by captain catfish himself.  The Trojans are looking turn around their season for the better by rallying around their new head coach, but that won’t nearly be good enough.  Take the Irish, give the points, and pray for this one to be over quickly.  We know the football Gods will be.

Florida State at Clemson (+3)

We expect both of these defensives to take a lesson from Florida State alum Antonio Cromartie and never wrap up.  This is going to be a high scoring affair by two overrated football teams.  Both of these teams are going to end up with at least two losses by the end of the season because that’s what they do.  For the sake of gambling take the Noles and tomahawk chop your buddy in the nuts when they win.

 

Washington State at Oregon (+38)

Oregon is wearing pink helmets in honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month and hey we’re big fans of breasts.  In all seriousness this is a great gesture by Oregon and it’s great that a lot of football teams are raising money for an important issue.  There will be no motorboating for Washington State though.  Oregon covers the spread by the middle of the third quarter and gains some style points in the process.  Take the Ducks, give the points and don’t forget your yearly mammogram check-up’s ladies.

 

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