It’s Penn State week! Let’s get excited for the big game and pretend that Penn State isn’t going to get beat worse than Jerry Sandusky in prison general population. Penn State fans have started a popular hash tag #OhioStateHateWeek. What Penn State fans fail to realize is that we Ohio State fans #EmbraceTheHate and we are way funnier, as illustrated below.
Penn State is doing an “Ohio State Hate Week?” That’s cute, get in line. Every week is #EmbraceTheHate Week for Buckeyes
— BuckeyeEmpire (@BuckeyeEmpire) October 24, 2013
— Buckeye Humor (@BuckeyeHumor) October 24, 2013
Last week we didn’t exactly MAKE YOU RICH BITCH but we did manage to barely go over .500 so we figure that makes us front runners for Big Ten Coach of the Year. Without further delay here is your weekend college football preview and against the spread picks. Put your money down and hopefully we’ll make you richer than someone getting a settlement from Penn State.
Penn State at Ohio State (-14.5)
Penn State comes into the Horseshoe off a bye week. Before the bye week Penn State beat Michigan thanks to Michigan’s kicker, an accused rapist, missing three field goals in a stadium where one of the worst sex offenders of our time used to roam the sidelines. That is the definition of karma, take notes Jen Bielema. Last year Bill O’Brien won Big Ten coach of the year after going 8-4. Urban Meyer went 12-0. Even Penn State students can do the math there. Bill O’Brien is quickly becoming the next Kirk Ferentz by getting coaching accolades just because his team doesn’t completely suck. Bet your paycheck on the Buckeyes. Your Sunday hangover will feel a lot better when you wake up and realize that for once your rolling around in one hundred dollar bills and not feces.
Northwestern at Iowa (-3.5)
Analysts have been bashing on Northwestern after they lost to Wisconsin and Minnesota following their Buckeye loss. Forget that they’ve been playing without their best two players, why would ESPN analysts need to know that, they’re only paid to. Northwestern went all in against Ohio State and they lost their house and a few family members. We can’t believe we’re saying this but take Iowa and give the points.
North Carolina State at Florida State (-32)
Florida State is back baby! Don’t we here this every year? Florida State is going to slip up at some point. We don’t know if this is the week but we are expecting them to be like us Saturday and have a hangover from their Clemson win. Take NC State and all of them points.
Texas Tech at Oklahoma (-7)
Kliff Kingsbury is really, really, ridiculously good looking, no homo. Bob Stoops likes to choke on things. You’re smart, put two and two together. Take Texas Tech and the points.
Tennessee at Alabama (-28)
Alabama suspended a defensive end yesterday, the 11th player they’ve suspended in the past eight months. Don’t worry though, it was probably just for getting paid by an agent or something irrelevant like that. Alabama is the most crooked program in America. If anyone in that state owned a computer the media would write about it, but no computers means no site clicks which means no money for writers to buy donuts and pay prostitutes. Alabama is good at football though, and the PED’s help. Tennessee, not so much. Take Alabama and donate the points to one of the morons IQ tests.
Michigan State at Illinois (+10)
Michigan State’s offense is like a pimpled teenager. They have trouble scoring. However, Illinois is dreadful and has gotten spanked the last two weeks against Nebraska and Wisconsin. Sparty has been unimpressive this season, but there is no way in hell we are taking Illinois. We are counting on Michigan State’s defense to score some points on turnovers. They might even score all the points, but we’re not scared. Take Sparty and give the points.
UCLA at Oregon (-23)
Oregon might be the most prolific scoring offense “in the world”, at least according to ESPN. UCLA has no chance to stop the Ducks attack with their defense nor do they have the offense to score with them. This spells disaster for the Bruins. UCLA is going to get pounded harder than Tori Black. Give the points and find a better game to watch.
Baylor at Kansas (-34.5)
The last thing Charlie Weis beat was gastric bypass surgery. Kansas is awful and Charlie Weis is one of the worst head coaches in history. Baylor has been scoring more than a Kardashian at the BET Awards. Take Baylor and give those points. This game will be over at halftime.
South Carolina at Missouri (-3)
Missouri is the surprise of the SEC. What’s more surprising is how easy the Tigers have transitioned to incest. I guess they live by the “when in Rome” theory. South Carolina is overrated and Clowney only plays when he feels like it. This might be a game where he would have to show a little effort for the Gamecocks to win, so my guess is that he takes about half the plays off allows the Tigers to take advantage. Take Missouri at home and give the points.
Last Week: 6-4