Dark Side Guide To Hating Michigan and Michigan Joke Contest

On November 25, 2013 by Buckeye Humor

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Starting at a young age we Buckeye fans are taught to hate Michigan.  We are also taught never to say “fuck”.  Well only one of those lessons stuck because we FUCKING HATE MICHIGAN.  Welcome to your one stop shop for hating Michigan.  If you aren’t quick witted like us and struggle with the comebacks we have you covered.  Of course no guide to hating Michigan would be complete without input from Buckeye Nation.  So, enter your best Michigan joke in the comments section, the more inappropriate the better.  Consider this post to have the one rule you wished strip clubs had: Anything Goes!  On Monday morning Buckeye Empire will meet and crown a champion.  Winner gets a free Buckeye Empire shirt of their choice and bragging rights for life.  If you are easily offended stop here and stick to saying “Muck Fichigan” because things are about to get inappropriate.  Some of these have been passed down through the years and some of these are @BuckeyeHumor originals.

Q&A Michigan Jokes

Q:  What does the Michigan Football Team and a Michigan Cheerleader have most in common?

A:  They both suck for 4 quarters.               

Q: What’s more disgusting then 2 girls 1 cup?

A: 11 Maize and Blue players on a football field.

Q:  What do you get with a house full of Michigan fans?

A:  An Arson charge.

Q:  What do you call a 250 pound Michigan Cheerleader?

A:  Anorexic.

Q:  What the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?

A:  about 50 pounds.

Q:  How do you kill a Michigan fan?

A:  Give him a pair of scissors and ask him “Who’s special?”

Q:  What does a Michigan fan do after the Wolverines win the BCS National Championship?

A:  He turns off his Xbox

Q:  Why do Michigan women wear high heels?

A:  To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

Q:  What does Michigan and pot have in common?        

A:  They both get smoked in bowls.

Q:  Why do Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A:  So they can park in handicapped spaces.

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the University of Michigan Library?

A: Both books were destroyed and one wasn’t colored in yet.

Q:  What do Michigan fans and cats have in common?

A:  They’ll both get killed in Xenia, OH

Q:  Why did Michigan change their field from grass to turf?

A:  To keep the UM cheerleaders from grazing on the field.

Q:  What do you get when you get 32 Michigan fans together?

A:  A full set of teeth.

Q:  What do Michigan graduates and tornadoes have in common?

A:  They both end up in trailer parks.

Q:  Where do you go in Ann Arbor in case of a tornado?

A:  The Big House, they never have a touchdown there.

Q:  How do you keep a Michigan fan out of your yard?

A:  Put up a goal post and paint roses on the grass beneath it.

Q:  Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Michigan weddings?

A:  To keep flies off the bride.

Q:  How many Michigan freshman does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  None it’s a sophomore course.

Q:  What does the average Michigan student get on his SAT?

A:  Drool

Q:  What do you call a good looking girl on Michigan’s campus?    

A:  A visitor

Q:  Why do Michigan fans prefer rectal thermometers?

A:  They like the taste via @jnugular

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the “Opossums”?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog and a Wolverine?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into her dorm room?

A: Grease her hips and push.

Q: What is a Michigan girls best form of birth control?

A: Turning the lights on.

Q: What’s the difference between Michigan and Hiroshima?      

A: Not enough.

Q:  What do you call a Michigan girl who is faster than her brothers?

A:  a virgin.

Q:  What’s the difference between a Michigan cheerleaders and a police car?

A:  You can only get four guys in a police car via @suckatsports

Q:  What’s the difference between a dead Michigan fan and a corvette?

A:  I don’t have a corvette in my garage.

Q:  How do you get a Michigan fan pregnant?

A:  Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.


One liners and DAMN FACTS

I wish the whole state of Michigan was like Manti Teo’s girlfriend.

Michigan babies are so ugly even their incubators are tinted.


We don’t support abortion, unless it’s in Michigan.

Justin Timberlake thinks Michigan sucks.

If a couple in Ann Arbor get divorced are they still brother and sister?

Michigan’s defense has more gaping holes than Kim Kardashian.

Denard should take his mom’s advice and go into acting.

Justin Bieber recently was seen puking on stage at one of his concerts.  Rumor has it he just finished watching Denard’s last game.

When Michigan fans take Viagra they get taller.

Michigan Football.  Being stupid mouth breathers since 1879.

We ran into our 1st Michigan fan this week…with our car.

UM fans love OSU Michigan week.  All year long they deal with ED, but at least this week they can get a fear boner.

Every one of the Michigan cheerleaders would be at the bottom of the pyramid at any other school.

You can’t spell cum dumpster without UM.

Devin Gardner couldn’t hit an ugly chick with a football if he was standing in the middle of Ann Arbor.

In honor of hating all Wolverines this week fuck Hugh Jackman via @OsuUrbanMeyer

I had a Michigan fan over to my house today, he was delivering my pizza.

Without Ohio kids Michigan’s football program would be in the FCS.  On the other hand losing to Appalachian State would be much more acceptable.

It’s obvious that Michigan is the Stanford of the Midwest with alumni like Ted Kaczynski and Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

Obviously Michigan fans know football I mean these are the people who cheered when Tom Brady got benched for Drew Henson.

Michigan’s pro day is pretty boring.  Apparently you don’t have to go through many drills to be a Walmart greeter.

If there was a town called Shit Hole the derogatory name for it would be Ann Arbor.

Since 1948 Michigan has won 1.5 national titles.

Michigan fans love to bring up the Tat 5, a good response: Denard Robinson should go on EBay and buy Terrelle Pryor’s championship ring, you know since he never won one.

Devin Gardner said that Michigan will beat Ohio State this year.  He was then immediately awarded Last Comic Standing.

A kid who commits to Michigan will lose more games in one season then he will in his entire career at Ohio State.

Michigan’s defensive line is getting blown off the ball. They might want to put someone bigger in, like their cheerleaders.


On November 30th Ohio State is going to do more scoring in Ann Arbor then the entire student body does all year.

We don’t think it’s any coincidence that when you choke you turn BLUE!

Brady Hoke Jokes

Q:  What is it that Brady Hoke has between his titties that a 25 year old doesn’t?

A:  His belly button

Q: Why will there be only two pall bearers at Brady Hoke’s funeral?

A:  There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Brady Hoke is so fat he gave the hospital stretch marks.

Michigan’s football team has about as much discipline as their coach driving past the Golden Corral.

Brady Hoke is so fat when he showers his feet don’t get wet.

The only thing worse than being Brady Hoke is being stuck behind him in line at Taco Bell.

It was reported that Michigan head football coach Brady Hoke will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Hoked (adj): to eat so much one goes cross eyed and sweats butter.  “I couldn’t eat another bite, I’m Hoked”.

We almost same Brady Hoke on 60 minutes.  We say almost because he couldn’t fit on the whole screen.

Brady Hoke got arrested at the Columbus airport for 10 pounds of crack.

We hate Brady Hoke more than he hates to diet.

Brady Hoke is on a diet, from winning football games.

Michigan fans are right, one day Brady Hoke will beat Urban Meyer, however it will be in a charity pie eating contest, not a football game.

When Brady Hoke sticks his foot in his mouth he covers it in ranch first.

Urban Meyer: 23 straight wins.  Brady Hoke: 23 years straight years since he’s seen his dick.




Things that make us HATE Michigan even more:

Kate Upton: we hate ourselves every time we jerk off to her.

Tim Biakibutukka.

Charles Woodson.

Desmond Howard.

Mike Hart.

Denard’s retarded feed me. (we know he stole that from watching Brady Hoke at an all you can eat KFC)

The fact that as soon as you cross the state line into Michigan it smells like cat piss and shit.

All their women are fat as fuck.

Ohio???  It’s Ohio State you worthless fucks.  


More Pics!


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Ahhh we feel better.  Go Bucks! Fuck Michigan!

Leave your jokes in the comments section below, best one gets a free t-shirt from Buckeye Empire

Jason and Aaron




Burn in hell
Burn in hell

You know why all the trees in Michigan lean south?  Because Ohio sucks.


What do you say when you meet a Michigan graduate?

I'll take a big mac and some fries.


My favorite thing about these jokes is you can replace michigan with ohio state. Also Michigan is a much harder school to get into as seeing that to get into Ohio st you need at least a ACT score of 28 and to get into michigan you need at least a 31.


How does a Michigan fan change a lightbulb? They don't, they just talk about how great it used to be.

Jim Otto
Jim Otto

Wal Mart Greeter in Columbus!

Josh Lewis
Josh Lewis

Thank you Shawn Murnan. Jokes about The School Up a North never get old! Go Bucks and thank you Pokes!

Emily Lewis
Emily Lewis

Thank you Shawn Murnan and appreciate your cowboys knocking off Baylor ! Go bucks!


What's the difference between Osu and Meshitagain? Osu knows how to win and meshitagain Don't

Shawn Murnan
Shawn Murnan

I'm putting these into my rotation for the week to support Emily Lewis and Josh Lewis.


NSFW - Michigan Cheerleader's private sextape collection! hahahahaa www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=294098240


The only sign of intelligence in Ann Arbor is the one that says Columbus 187 miles- you got that one?

Hunter Lowe
Hunter Lowe

Why does Brady Hoke sit at the front of the bus and the rest of the team sit at the back? To even out the weight so the bus won't flip


How do you get a Michigan grad off your porch? Pay him for the pizza!