Welcome to opening week of the college football season. Like most addicts we’ve been sitting in a corner in nothing but tighty whitey’s scratching ourselves waiting for the CFB gods to deliver us our next hit. It’s finally here and the first weekend is more stacked than Charlotte McKinney.
What was I just talking about?
Each week we will be breaking down ten of the top games. In addition we’ll be giving you our picks ATS using Bovada’s lines. By the end of the season you’ll be talking on a money phone and doing coke in a Vegas bathroom just like Johnny Football.
The Ohio State University at Navy (+ 14.5): Hopefully for the first time in their lives the Ohio State Buckeyes will be throwing around some seamen come Saturday #AmIRite. Seriously, we don’t want to make fun of the men and women in our armed forces. Nevertheless, the Buckeyes are are going to win and win big. Take the Buckeyes, give the points, and buy a round for our heroes.
Texas ATM at. South Carolina (-10.5): Thursday night game at 6:00pm! We heard that there are letters out there to get these fans off work early, which would be a great idea if anyone in SEC country actually had a job. This game will be on the SEC Network pawlllllll. If you’re at a bar don’t count on subtitles, since none of their regular viewers can actually read. No Johnny Football and no Jadeveon Clowney in this matchup. Don’t take Cocks, we are going with the Aggies and taking the generous spread.
Penn State at. UCF (+1.5): These two teams kick off the festivities in Ireland Saturday morning at 8:30am. I’ll still be sleeping one off or at least having a shower beer at that point. The Nittany Lions have one of the top ranked recruiting classes in the country…for next year. PSU fans I hate to burst your bubble but you are going to suck more than you know in prison. Take UCF and the points.
Appalachian State at Michigan (-34.5): I know Michigan alumni think that they’re smarter than everyone but if that was the case then why would your school schedule a rematch with the team that beat you for the greatest upset in NCAA football history. Also if you’re so smart then why is the biggest city in your state bankrupt. Also why are you fine with Brady Hoke still being employed as your coach. Also why are you Michigan fans in the first place. Take App State, all those points, and donate some of your winnings to that charity, The State of Michigan.
West Virginia at Alabama (-26): We’re pretty sure these morons can’t even spell football. We heard early in the week that WVU’s starting quarterback’s first kiss was with Nick Saban’s daughter, which doesn’t make sense since they’re not even related. Most of the fans will be too busy checking out their cousins to notice the action on the field. Look for plenty of fights in the stands over who has the sexier sibling. The actual game won’t even be close. We believe the Tide will roll and confidently give the points.
California at Northwestern (-11): Battle of the Nerds. Revenge of the Nerds had it right. Have the Nerds using their smarts to take out dumb jocks. No one wants to see two nerdy teams compete against one another. Take Cal and points.
Arkansas at Auburn (-20.5): Here we have the team that was basically a defensive stop from being National Champs last year against the team that was about 70 defensive stops and a couple hundred points away from being National Champs. Sure, Auburn’s quarterback won’t start due to a weed arrest but Arkansas still has Bret Bielema and all the weed in the world can’t make us forget about that. Take Auburn and give the points #Karma.
Clemson at Georgia (-7.5): Here we have the 12th ranked Georgia Bulldogs against the 16th ranked Clemson. Georgia was great last year. Wait, what’s that? They sucked? Oh yeah, they’re just ranked that high because they’re in the SEC. I’m not buying the Georgia hype and we saw first hand last year that Clemson’s coaches know how to exploit match ups. We are taking Clemson and the points.
Florida State at Oklahoma State (+17.5): I can’t wait for Jameis Winston to do something stupid again! In the meantime I’m going to ride FSU, consensually of course. Take FSU and give the points. They might during the first quarter.
Wisconsin at LSU (-4.5): Stay at LSU forever Les. He might be the only guy that can put out that dumpster fire in Ann Arbor. We aren’t the SEC, we don’t have Big Ten pride. Also we are betting to make money. We are taking LSU and giving the points.
Last week: 0-0
This week: Probably 10-0