We are one day away from our road trip to Madison. In preparation for the trip we were able to land an exclusive (fake) interview with the large and in charge head coach of the Wisconsin Badgers. Bret graciously took a few minutes out of game planning for the Buckeyes to sit down with us for a little Q&A, which we think he confused with a little T&A.
Personally Foul: Bret, we really appreciate you taking the time to sit down with us. To be honest we didn’t think that you would sit down with the Dark Side of the Buckeye Empire.
Bret Bielema: Well, once I saw how good-looking you guys are I couldn’t say no. But where is that Ryan guy (@BuckeyeEmpire)? I think we would get along REAL WELL.
PF: Um, (awkward pause) he couldn’t make it…
BB: Aren’t you going to say something about how fit I am? I can squat 500 lbs if you couldn’t tell through my Wranglers.
PF: We think we’re just going to get started with our questions. Bert, in your relationship with Ernie who is considered the “Receiver” and who is the “Giver”?
BB: Actually guys, it’s Bret, and how in the HELL did you find out about Ernie?
PF: Well Brent, let’s just say we have eyes in weird places. Moving on, what is your favorite type of cheese?
BB: NOT YO cheese!
PF: Wow, we can see someone is a little selfish. What would you say is your favorite beverage to have with cheese?
BB: Any type of wine. I like wine on all occasions, especially during recruiting season.
PF: Since you brought up recruiting, we know this is a still a sore subject, but @JoshKeeler wants to know how you feel about Kyle Dodson?
BB: Kyle was a real good-looking athlete coming out of high school and I really wish I would have been able to keep my hands on that kid.
PF: Interesting. Since you can’t seem to recruit one, which senior QB are you hoping will transfer in next season? (submitted by @MikeMarksberry)
BB: Is Braxton a senior yet?
PF: No, and from what we heard he’s allergic to cheese and beefy chicks so we don’t think Madison is the place for him.
PF: What was your reaction to Barry Alvarez, when he said that he had no problems with Urban Meyer’s recruiting tactics?
BB: All I can say on that is it hurt me about as bad as when he told me I had to take down my Justin Bieber poster from my office.
PF: Does Barry think you are whiney bitch?
BB: I think that pretty much goes without saying, but he does tell me several times a day that I remind him of his daughters when they were younger.
PF: We can see that. Is being a fat doucher a job requirement at Wisconsin or do you just enjoy being one? (submitted by @Master_Linck)
BB: I don’t think I’m a fat doucher. I just like complaining when I don’t get my way, writing my name in my tighty whities, wearing only windbreakers, sipping martini’s, and eating bratwursts like they are tic tacs.
PF: That explains the smell. Bruce, how has your relationship with Urban been since you ousted yourself as a crybaby bitch?
BB: Not good guys. He never returns my phone messages. He doesn’t respond to my emails. He didn’t even send a thank you card for the gift basket of cheese I sent him after my comments. I mean, I just want the guy to like me.
PF: That’s never going to happen. Let’s move on. Bert, we would like to talk a little about your college days. You came into Iowa as a 190 pound DE and left as a 290 lb nose tackle. Would it be safe to assume there was really nothing food wise that you said no to?
BB: Yeah, I don’t turn down too many meals my mom makes.
PF: Are you saying your mom stayed with you at college?
BB: Yeah and…?
PF: Hmm, that actually explains a lot. We spoke with an ex-teammate of yours at Iowa who claimed that in college, when you guys were out at bars, you would “look the other way” when women approached. What’s up with that shit?
BB: Well you know I was married to the game.
PF: What game is that?
BB: Dungeons and Dragons of course.
PF: Again, all the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. Later we heard that when you were a coach, you would skip the bar scene with teammates to watch Sports Center with your priest?
Give us any chance, we’ll take it.
Give us any rule, we’ll break it.
We’re gonna make our dreams come true.
Doin it our way.
PF: For the love of deep fried cheese curd please stop. We know you recently got married, congratulations, and thanks for ruining the chances of a 45 Year Old Virgin Movie. Did you get married in a Canadian Tuxedo or Camouflage?
BB: It was tough to take off the windbreaker, but I had to make it classy so I went with the Canadian tuxedo.
PF: If there is one thing that we are getting from you in this interview it’s that you’re classy. When you asked your wife to marry you, you said it was the best recruit you ever got. Did you pay her to say yes just like the kids you get to commit to your school?
BB: I had to pay her. I had no other choice.
PF: Because she was a Vegas show girl right, Brewster?
BB: Well that and the fact that I was forty and never seen a vagina, something had to give.
PF: So what you’re saying is you got your first lap dance and fell in love? Typical fat weird guy reaction.
BB: I couldn’t resist. She was wearing this skimpy little outfit and had on this bacon scented perfume. To…Die…For…
PF: So, how was your first piece of ass?
BB: I assume you mean first piece of human ass and it was the best ten seconds of my life.
PF: Were you actually able to locate your dick without a mirror?
BB: Kinda, I needed some help from my new wife. I had to rest my stomach on her back and she guided me in from there.
PF: All joking aside we have to give you some props. For an overweight, balding guy who lives in Wisconsin, to get a good-looking woman like that is pretty impressive.
BB: Thanks it is pretty awesome.
PF: Okay, you don’t have to celebrate it fat boy.
PF: What was it like to be a real 40 year old virgin, Bryce?
BB: Other than the persistent chaffing and the weird looks in the magazine section of the super market? It wasn’t too bad.
PF: Okay Britt, it’s now time for the rapid fire section. Just yell out the first answer that comes to mind.
PF: Bro or Mansier?
BB: Sports Bra.
PF: Krispy Kreme or Dunkin Donuts? (provided by @NotoriousWojo)
BB: Both, by the handfuls.
PF: Flannel or Moo-Moo?
BB: It’s hard to resist a good Moo-Moo.
PF: Yoo-hoo or Ovaltine?
PF: Is Bo Ryan as scary in person as he seems on television?
BB: He’s scarier. Every time I see him I shit my pants, more than usual.
PF: Between you and Brady Hoke, who can put down the most cheese curds?
BB: Me. No doubt about it.
PF: Yeah we assumed that since you have put down two plate full’s during this interview.
PF: Not really a compliment tubby.
PF: Similar to that, @MikeMarksberry wants to know who you think would win in a hot dog eating contest between you and Brady Hoke?
BB: Me. Brady typically chokes in big games and I feel he would do the same in that epic contest.
PF: Yeah you’re a lot better. What was your reaction, Brad, to the news of Montee Ball being assaulted by your own fan base?
BB: Disgusting, horrible. What kind of fans beat up their best player? It’s ridiculous.
BB: They don’t really match the school colors but hey if the hoof fits.
PF: Breck, if you could pick out one player on this Ohio State roster and put him on your team, who would it be?
BB: Braxton Miller, without question. Have you seen the tank on that guy?
PF: You mean cannon?
BB: No I’m talking about his ass.
PF: Well yeah even we noticed that thing with all the attention Urban called to it on ESPN.
PF: Thinking back to last year’s loss at Ohio State, what is your plan for slowing down Braxton Miller and this Buckeye offense?
BB: Prayer annnnnd that’s about it. I’m mean the guy is unbelievable, without a doubt the best player in college football. I would vote him for Heisman and that’s not just because I want to get on Urban’s good side.
PF: Right. Final question. Do you really think you have a chance against the #buckeyenation? (submitted by @toddneville)
BB: If I’m honest with myself….no.
PF: Well Bret, that’s all the questions we have for today. Thanks for being a good sport and realizing that these are just jokes and nothing to get butt hurt about. If you can, put in a good word for us in Madison so we don’t get jumped in any of the bars. Lastly, good luck this weekend. You’re going to need it.
*Special shout out to those on Twitter who submitted questions and especially to @hultbergraphics for turning our idea into the sweet picture above.