A Second (Fake) Interview with Michigan Football Coach Brady Hoke

On November 21, 2012 by Buckeye Humor

Brady Hoke sits down for an encore interview with Personally Foul.  For this interview to happen, we had to promise to talk with Hostess to get their company back up and running.  Are we that persuasive?  Yes.  You’re welcome Brady!   Enjoy.

Personally Foul:  Well coach we really appreciate you sitting down with us for a second interview.

Brady Hoke: Are you guys staring at my tits?

PF: We were trying to decide if they were bigger than last time and they definitely are.

BH:  I have to be honest I had second thoughts about sitting down with you guys again.

PF:  Is that because you felt like we misquoted you last time?

BH:  No, it’s because you didn’t bring any food.

PF:  Well we hate to tell you we didn’t bring any this time either.

BH:  Don’t worry I came prepared. (Pulls out an entire turkey leg and chocolate dipping sauce).

PF:  Holy shit, what is that smell?

BH:  That’s probably my hot dog water.  It’s kind of my back up plan in case this coaching thing doesn’t work out.  I call it “Hoke’s Hot Dog Water”.

PF:  You should probably start saving your money.  Let’s get started because we just threw up in our mouths a little bit.  Brady, you started the season ranked 8th and now you are barely in the top 25.  What happened?

BH:  Well first off that Dallas Cowboy stadium is surrounded by buffets and BBQ joints.  How the hell am I supposed to do any game planning?

PF:  That’s a good point.  You looked pretty tan for that game, did you hit the tanning bed beforehand?

BH:  I actually just had to shit my pants really bad so I was holding my breath really hard to keep it in.

PF:  You kind of look that way now.

BH:  Welp, what can I say.

PF:  Shit.  Denard couldn’t hit an ugly chick with a football if he was standing in the middle of Ann Arbor.  Can you explain to us the game plans against Notre Dame and Alabama that had him in the pocket throwing the football?

BH:  You would have to ask offensive coordinator Al Borges about that one?

PF:  Right, but you’re the head coach, sooooo you have some idea of what the game plan is right???

BH:  Have you seen me on the sideline?  I don’t even wear a headset.  My only job is to not have a heart attack, fall over, and crush one of my players or grad assistants on the sidelines.

PF:  So why did you hire Al Borges?    

BH:  Are you kidding me (starts giggling)?  He looks like what would happen if Rick Majerus and Jeffrey Tambor fucked and had a grown baby…….it’s hilarious.

PF: We assumed the only reason you brought him along is to make yourself look less fat.

BH: Isn’t it working (as he takes a huge bite of his turkey leg)?

PF:  Are you fucking serious???  Never mind.

PF:  Obviously jokes are a big part of this rivalry.  We thought it would be funny if you would give us your favorite Ohio State joke.

BH:  Ok.  What do Michigan and pot have in common?  They both get smoked in bowls.

PF: Don’t you mean Ohio State?

BH: Dammit!

PF: You have dealt with several key injuries this season.  How do you get your team prepared to play knowing you won’t have certain players?

BH:  Guys a football game plan is a lot like getting ready for a Thanksgiving Day meal.  You need to know how to maximize the tools you have at your exposal.   For example, I layer my entire plate in mashed potatoes and line the outsides with turkey, that way I can load up the middle without overflow.

PF:  You’re a real genius.  How are you going to deal with the loss of Denard Robinson?

BH: How will I deal with the loss of a player whose best play is the arm punt?   I think we’ll manage.

PF:  You seem to like riding the recruiting coattails of Urban Meyer.  What is it like to recruit his sloppy seconds?

BH:  As you can tell I’m all about being sloppy and I love seconds.

PF:  Is there any advice that you give your players to prepare them for the failure of losing to Ohio State?

BH:  I guess I’d tell them “get used to it pussies”.  You didn’t come to Michigan to beat Ohio State.  You’re here because Ohio State didn’t want you.  Just be happy that you get to play in the Shoe every two years.

PF:  We heard you had a heart attack when the announcement came down that Hostess was going out of business.  It has since been saved, what was your reaction?

BH:  It’s been saved?               

PF: Yeah.

BH:  Oh my goodness (starts sobbing) this is the best thing that could possibly happen this week.

PF:  Even better than beating Ohio State?

BH:  I would give up beating Ohio State every year for one Twinkie.  That’s how serious I am about my snacks fellas.

PF:  Well your AD Dave Brandon told us the only way to get a second interview with you was to save the Hostess company.  So, we made that happen for you.

BH:  I can’t even tell you what that means to me; get in here for a hug.

PF:  We would rather give Mark May a sponge bath.

PF:  Explain what it is like to be back in your home state coaching on the wrong side of the rivalry?

BH: It’s always good to come home.  I am really excited for this opportunity.  I love The Ohio State University!  I know I told everyone that would listen that they are just Ohio, but I can’t keep this lie up anymore.  The Ohio State University is where my heart belongs.  Do you think there is any way you guys could talk to Coach Meyer and get me a job interview?

PF:  Haven’t we have done enough for you as it is.  We’ll see what we can do.  We’re sure Ohio State could use another ball boy.

BH: Thanks.  You guys are the best.

PF:  What Ohio State player worries you the most?

BH:  To be honest with you I have a fear boner for more than one player, but if I have to pick one it would be Braxton Miller. I have been up all week studying film on him.  I have no idea how we are going to stop that kid.  Between you and me, Denard can’t even sniff Braxton’s jock strap.    

PF:  What do you plan on saying to Urban after the game?

BH:  I get to talk to Urban!?

PF:  Yeah typically the opposing coaches shake hands and talk for a second after the game.

BH:  Oh goodie, he is one of my heroes.

PF:  Give us your prediction on the game this week?

BH:  That’s easy.  I will be at the nearest Golden Corral before halftime. Go Bucks.