Twinkies made their triumphant return to store shelves yesterday along with many other Hostess snacks after an eight month hiatus. All across the country fat people and stoners were rejoicing, except in Michigan. Very early Monday morning an unknown individual somehow managed to steal every single twinkie in the entire state. Authorities currently don’t have much to go other than the man was seen in ugly maize and blue Adidas gear and mumbling about how we will never beat Urban Meyer. When asked about a body type the detective told reporters, “I know this is Michigan but he stole every twinkie in the state, I think it’s implied that he is obese.” Authorities are focusing on putting up descriptions of this man where they believe it will be seen the most, Wal-Mart.
If you see this man contact authorities immediately.